Going through a transition? Turn up! Do it ugly, messy and afraid

I’ve been on this journey of self-discovery and inner child recovery for 13 years now. And it amazes me whenever I think about where I was nearly a decade ago. I began this online archive about 9 years ago, and I tend to revist it every so often when I need a little perspective. Today was one of those days, and I am so glad that I did, because I was humbled when I looked back at the journey, and how far I’ve come.

I knew very little about Palestine, I did not know how to speak Portuguese or ever even imagine that I would one day get to visit Brazil, let alone live there. It has been a series of finding the courage to step out in faith, time and again, even and especially when I have no idea what exactly the outcome will be and who will meet me on the other side.

This journey of uncovering the real me inside, has been scary most of the time, awkward and uncomfortable often, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s moments like these, now nearly 4 months into a genocide that I’ve been noticing the question come up for me often, “How do we move forward?” “Will we get through this?” There’s just been so much murder, destruction, dismal realities flooding our newsfeed and screen, and despite our greatest attempts at speaking up, it often feels like we are yelling into a void. A void that is intentionally crafted and designed to be hellbent on gaslighting and silencing us.

And so, that feeling of helplessness, and hopelessness that I once knew so well due to familial dynamics, has returned but this time, through societal ills. While I could use that reality to feel even more helpless, I actually find it more helpful and productive to see how experiencing adversity before, and building oneself from those throws creates in you a sense of resilience that, like a seed, once planted can continue to sprout and grow. We have more strength than we are made to believe. You are stronger, wiser, more capable than you may sometimes think.

Creativity has always been the fertile soil that nurtures the seeds inside of me and encourages them to grow. With sunshine as loving friendship and water as the pen to write my thoughts, I find that creating new worlds through writing, poetry, rap, song and music, I begin to find my way back home to self anew.

And so, this year, 2024, amidst a global genocide that was preceeded only by a global pandemic, I am chosing to focus on whatever silver linings I can find. Namely, the God who shows up in the smiling faces of those strangers who I pass on the streets. And the God who is with all of the innocent mothers, fathers, children suffering in Gaza, Congo, Sudan and so many other places.

If this season of unique devastation has taught me anything, it is to remember that tomorrow truly is not promised. And life, this precious one that we have, is the only one we are given. So we must make do with it whatever our deepest yearnings and desires of our hearts would have, and do our best to amplify the voices of those who are suffering in the process.

If you’re finding that you need a little encouragement to allow yourself the permission to transform, to change, to shift from the inside out even while grieving, consider this it! Whatever you are working on will never be perfect. And there are a million reasons why you could “fine tune” different things, but I tell you this, once you step out onto the path of trusting your creative thought and idea, it will take you places you never could have dreamed! And maybe even inspire folks you never could have imagined.

I still have a ton of ways to go, but I am so glad that I got started back then, so that I could experience the joys that I have now ~ many loving friendships, a committed relationship with the love of minha vida, travel doing work that I feel uniquely called to do, and quality time with family members who I once never thought may have been possible! I’m so glad I chose to take that next step. And I hope you will, too. Whatever “it” may be for you. It could be an essay, a business idea, a letter to a loved one, a text message to that person who has been on your mind.

Revisiting this open diary log reminded me recently to do what I want to do, even while afraid! It never will be perfect, and it’s not meant to be. Whatever it may be, do it ugly, messy and afraid. God seeks your heart, above all else. But don’t take my word for it. Visit here for more from my ugly, messy and afraid archive, and you’ll see the growth is exponential (lull). And more importantly, I want you to know that it isn’t exclusive. That same healing and growth is available to you. Yes you.

So if you find yourself in a transition, whether it be relationally, professionally, or otherwise and could use some encouragement, drop me a line here. I’d love to see how I can support you on your journey!